June 2

Ok, wow. I just talked to Clara. Recently, Rico has been talking to me a lot. I’ve started becoming interested into another guy Cristian. Then Rico decides to talk to me again. He always manages to talk to me as soon as I find interest elsewhere. So, I decided to go along with it and talk to him. Then he says if it doesn’t work with the other guy, I could let him know.

This pissed me off, yet I was sort of happy. He still finds some interest in me, whether it’s sex or affection, I still don’t know. He apologized quite a bit afterwards and asked if I was mad, like I was mad at him during the summer for him not talking to me anymore. He claimed that: “it was nothing to do with me, he just got stressed and needed to figure himself out, and finally broke up with Rachel”. I felt some sense of closure, of the reason to why we stopped talking. Then he proceeds with saying that: “i mean, i liked what we had “going,” despite the distance and all. I just didn’t think it was all that realistic, got stressed out, and gave up.. but throughout the whole semester(s), i’ve had a real turnaround year and hope to work with myself from a different angle… anyway, regardless, i want you to be happy of course and for us to keep in touch, whether its a little, or a lot.” Then I said: “i have a question, why do you seem to always talk to me randomly when i start showing interest in another guy.” And he manages to reply with: “i dunno, it’s not that i’m necessarily jealous. I don’t remember there being another time. It’s not that i wanted to mess with anything, the past few weeks have been weird though, and it just came to mind and you talking about that boy kinda reminded me of last summer and all”. But throughout this entire conversation, I still don’t know his intentions. But further talking to Clara helped me understand a little more.

Clara made a few good points:

• Rico doesn’t know what the fuck he wants
• He meant what he said about my happiness and that he wants to keep in touch
• It’s been practically a year, and he still manages to be thinking about me
• If distance wasn’t a problem now, we’d be together right now
• He’s shaky with past girls because, once again, he doesn’t know what the fuck he wants
• The fact that I still miss him after all he’s put me through, shows that I should try to make it work, see him in person

May 30

Are you fucking me right now. Like seriously. Where the fuck is all of this coming from? You telling me you want me to be happy, whether or not it means little or a lot of communication with you. All this time, I haven’t been able to decipher whether or not you liked me. Now, you spring up out of the blue, saying you’re changed, and that your relationship with your girl is “shaky”. Omfg, I can’t tell if your intentions are good or not. You are a piece of work you know that. You’re probably just using me again. I’m happy now that I have some sense of closure. But still. I always get what I want when I don’t want it anymore. I’ve wanted you for the longest time, and now I’ve moved on, and it “seems” like you want me again. I need to stop saying that I’ll let you go, because I’m tired of lingering on you. I need to just let the fuck go.

Not Enough

Get good grades.

Not enough.

Get accepted to remarkable universities

Not enough.

Be a good kid, obey parents, value family, respect parents.

Not enough.

Doesn’t drink, doesn’t party, doesn’t have sex, doesn’t curse.

Not enough.

Obey, obey, obey.

Not enough.

Go to church, pray, and be thankful.

Not enough.

Love your family, love your parents, be mature.

Not enough.

Work your ass off for 17 years.

Not enough.

Be the best you can possibly be, pray, and hope it all works out.

Not enough.

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t coma back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head."

� Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins (via palides)

(via waitingcantlastforever)